I am not religious.
I think we have covered that, right?
But I hear this Serenity prayer a lot:
"God, grant me the
serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference."
to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference."
Acceptance. It stares up at me from the engraved stone
paperweight upon the desk from which I type.
It is not my desk, but the live-in, non-lesbian gal-pal, "Monica’s." She’s very zen and gets a lot of satisfaction
from life-affirming mottos. I, do
not. I rather want to take that paper weight and lob it into Lake Scranton.
Why should we accept things we can’t change?
Why should we give up?
Why should we accept things we can’t change?
Why should we give up?
Inigo Montoya never accepted that he would fail to find the six-fingered man who killed his father. The odds were against him, but he never stopped trying, and is, for that reason, one of my most beloved film characters. Let's have a gratuitous clip!
I don’t think it’s serene
to be a quitter and throw in the towel.
I mean, most writers didn’t accept the fact that the majority of agents
rejected them; most inventors don’t just throw their prototype away; so how do
we know what to strive to save, and what we should watch tornado down the
U-bend?
There are several times in
my life where I have given up. I’m not
saying I’m proud of them, I'm not. I am also pretty sure there are more examples than
these, but these are the ones that race to the finish line first:
1)
Sports Day 400 m sprint.
2)
Relationship #2 #10 #14
Now, I was never all that athletic. Sure, I’d cheer—being vocal was never a
problem—but actually moving my body with the speed, strength and skill that my
brain had so purely conceived, was never my forte.
School Sports Day and Swimming Sports Day were, therefore,
always a wee bit of a trial. Okay, so we
got an afternoon off class, but Sod’s Law was that it was always a class I
enjoyed, and would much rather have been doing, than Humiliation 1-0-1. But
there it came around again, Sports Day.
*Grrr! Gnash teeth*. And there was
I, in scratchy, synthetic green athletics pants and second-hand air-tex,
proving once again to all my class mates that I was, in fact, the only 15 year old who was so
flat-chested she was practically concave.
(Oh, the cache of having boobs then would have made life so much
easier!) I digress.
Seriously, these were mean-ugly uniforms that were, frankly, emotionally scarring. Girls aged 11 to 18 should not be made to wear ugly green granny pants. Full-stop. I mean, really? What is the pube-skimming point? Oh, because an inch more fabric that might make the less-than-hot pants more luke-warm shorts, and would cut down on aerodynamism? Please. They were ugly, they were scratchy, they were wrong. Never do this to your children, Parents. Never do this to the World, Fashion People.
I was lucky to go to this girls school, because it was far more than my parents could really afford. Most of my items of uniform were from my 5ft 8 neighbour--I was struggling to make 5ft at the time--so I always looked somewhat comical. I even had my brother’s old hand-me-down Dunlop Green Flash trainers. Nike Air they were not. I can still picture their chewing gum white canvas uppers, the thick white rubber sole, the linguine-like laces, the tattoos of my brothers initials, covered over with my own in black marker. Far from ghetto, it just looked like I couldn't spell my own name, so not only was I gawky, unfashionable and sport-spastic, but apparently I also suffered from severe dyslexia.
Seriously, these were mean-ugly uniforms that were, frankly, emotionally scarring. Girls aged 11 to 18 should not be made to wear ugly green granny pants. Full-stop. I mean, really? What is the pube-skimming point? Oh, because an inch more fabric that might make the less-than-hot pants more luke-warm shorts, and would cut down on aerodynamism? Please. They were ugly, they were scratchy, they were wrong. Never do this to your children, Parents. Never do this to the World, Fashion People.
I was lucky to go to this girls school, because it was far more than my parents could really afford. Most of my items of uniform were from my 5ft 8 neighbour--I was struggling to make 5ft at the time--so I always looked somewhat comical. I even had my brother’s old hand-me-down Dunlop Green Flash trainers. Nike Air they were not. I can still picture their chewing gum white canvas uppers, the thick white rubber sole, the linguine-like laces, the tattoos of my brothers initials, covered over with my own in black marker. Far from ghetto, it just looked like I couldn't spell my own name, so not only was I gawky, unfashionable and sport-spastic, but apparently I also suffered from severe dyslexia.
 |
| Ah! Probably the cheapest shoe you can buy for your first child, then give to your second, stained and tangy. Ta, Mum! |
And so it was that my teacher decided, in the
absence of anyone else volunteering, that I--Ennie-Oh-14-minute-mile--should take on the reigning county
athletics runner in the 400m. If I had
the bolshy nerve my friends had, I would have nonchalantly proffered the
monthly excuse they seemed—poor wretches—to be tormented by EVERY WEEK—Jesus, I
must have been in the most menstrual class known to man—but I didn’t. She had picked me and so, call to arms, I
must do my class duty.
*Sound the bugles!*
*Sound the bugles!*
When the fateful day arrived, I actually imagined I might
win—amazing the tricks your psyche can play on you! I envisaged that white
ticker tape snapping as I ran through it, the cheers, the sound of Chariots of Fire ringing in my ears, the trophy and maybe even the school record! Where I imagined I had conjured this
sudden ability is beyond me, but I could see it on the backs of my eyelids, and
I could smell victory in the fresh cut grass and the cloying stench of the
latest highly perfumed deodorant my friends deemed it “cool” to be using. (Something begining with a 'K' that smelled of toilet cleaner and Christmas trees.)
I took my marks, as directed, in the inner
lane. My opponent, templed her fingers
to the ground, haunches skywards, focused for the pistol. Oh, thought I, we are doing this proper
Olympian-stylee--what a hoot--and I took some seconds to arrange self in what I suppose I
would now refer to as, downward dog. I
probably spent far too much time getting comfy and not summoning my running
muscles, because the expected “bang!” of the starter’s pistol caught me quite
unaware. What? Fuck!
Ah! Where? Oh shit, she’s running! Goooooo legs, go! And
as the Nike Air of my opponent ripped into the turf and away, my Dunlop Green
flash squeaked retardedly into action.
I wish I could give you a good account of
myself. That, as I had envisioned, I had
suddenly become possessed by Flo Jo; that the banana I had secretly wolfed down,
because Linford Christie had a campaign on the telly about banana-gy, had fired
my muscles with its potassium and magnesium goodness. Alas, I can only report this: I was crap.
For the first lap I tried. I beat my non-running limbs like little
whisks; I thumped my arms as if I were having a sparring match with the
Invisible Man; she only got further and further away.
I remember the cheers from my class. Oxymoronic encouragement—we were quite the
snide achievers—“Come on Smell-eanor!” “Run,
Boobless! Run!” Their enthusiasm only
made me want to cry. I gritted my teeth and
pounded hard, but my legs were burning, the lactic acid gnawing at every
sinew.
I turned into the home straight and she was there,
flying into the white ticker tape, feeling it snap against her impressive
chest. The cheers were for her. The applause, for her. The trophy that would be engraved, for her.
And I stopped running.
I gave up.
I believe—although this bit is a tad foggy—I pretended
I’d pulled a muscle. I yelped, limped,
felt somewhere on my leg and stumbled off the track, without ever crossing the
finish line.
That was seventeen years ago, and something that has
never sat comfortably with me. I accepted
that I was beaten and I just gave up!
Did I ever stand a hope of winning? Hell No!
I was crap! I think I've made this clear. But I wish I had
carried on, even though there was not a darn thing I could do to change the
outcome. Especially, since for me, this
pathetic ending reeked of dishonor. Shit, I don't think it was even a very convincing injury performance!
I am not saying that one incident taught me a life
lesson, but I tasted the bitterness of giving up, and I didn’t like it.
Life has thrown a few sHituations since, mainly
relationship-orientated ones, where I have shrugged my shoulders and let go,
even though every fibre of my being has yelled “Come back!” Mum had schooled me in the merits of
retaining one’s dignity over actually exposing Self to hurt and saying what you
really feel. I thought this “acceptance”
the classier thing to do. Acceptance and denial that it was ever of any importance or worth anyway. But, you know what? That's bullshit. The classier thing, surely, is not to pretend, but to fight for what you really want, or at least tell someone how you feel, rather than pretending.
I was never going to win that race, but I should have trotted on and taken a bow, proud of my true-blue-crap-at-sport-Brit heritage.
I was never going to win that race, but I should have trotted on and taken a bow, proud of my true-blue-crap-at-sport-Brit heritage.
If you are staring at defeat, what have you got to
lose? Pride isn’t so important when you’ve
been unemployed for six months; when you feel a lump or see a mole that wasn’t
there yesterday; when you are watching the love of your life slip away.
Would you remain stiff and inert, paralyzed by
pride; would you put up your dukes, but pretend to pull a muscle and limp out
to lick your wounds when the going got too tough; or, if this is it, really and
truly, what the fuck! Wouldn’t you run? Fuck the pretence, blow the stiff-lip,
but with thighs burning and arms boxing, looking like a fool, wouldn't you at least bloody
well give it a try?
So, I suppose what I am saying is, who is to say
that a situation is hopeless or impossible?
If you don’t fight to change it, you’ll never know. And even if it is irredeemable, wouldn’t you
rather be the person who can say, “I gave it my all,” rather than, “Oh, I just
half-arsed it, saw I couldn’t win, so gave up”?
Whether fighting to win for fun, for sport, for work, for survival, for love, don’t be a Half-Arse. Royally fuck it up with both cheeks exposed, because that will give real serenity. You can rest your little over-thinking brain, because, props to you Lovey, you gave it your best!
I love this scene from Love Actually. Andrew Lincoln's character has fallen in love with his best friend's fiance. He is tortured. Whilst he would not act dishonourably to his friend, for his own sanity and serenity, he has to tell the fiance he loves her, "without hope or agenda" and once he has, finally, told her then, then, he can let go.
Like Lincoln's character, only when I know I have done or said everything I can; when I have swallowed the lump of fear amassing in my throat--cunningly lodged to smother what I really want to say; when I have ignored the attack in my colon; spoken through the shallow snatches of breath and the yelling in my head that MAYDAY! MAYDAY! THIS COULD HURT! BRACE YOURSELF! INCOMING!; only then, when I have stripped Self of every defence mechanism I've hidden behind, can I be serene. So I have rewritten the serenity prayer. Blasphemous, probably, but …
Whether fighting to win for fun, for sport, for work, for survival, for love, don’t be a Half-Arse. Royally fuck it up with both cheeks exposed, because that will give real serenity. You can rest your little over-thinking brain, because, props to you Lovey, you gave it your best!
I love this scene from Love Actually. Andrew Lincoln's character has fallen in love with his best friend's fiance. He is tortured. Whilst he would not act dishonourably to his friend, for his own sanity and serenity, he has to tell the fiance he loves her, "without hope or agenda" and once he has, finally, told her then, then, he can let go.
Like Lincoln's character, only when I know I have done or said everything I can; when I have swallowed the lump of fear amassing in my throat--cunningly lodged to smother what I really want to say; when I have ignored the attack in my colon; spoken through the shallow snatches of breath and the yelling in my head that MAYDAY! MAYDAY! THIS COULD HURT! BRACE YOURSELF! INCOMING!; only then, when I have stripped Self of every defence mechanism I've hidden behind, can I be serene. So I have rewritten the serenity prayer. Blasphemous, probably, but …
Grant me the courage to fight for what I want,
Never to accept mediocre, half-arsedness,
(Even when others tell me I should give up and limp off)
But to give my all and know that opening Self to vulnerability and loss,
Takes more courage than hiding behind any protective façade.
Oh, yeah, and grant me wisdom too. That's never a bad thing.
Never to accept mediocre, half-arsedness,
(Even when others tell me I should give up and limp off)
But to give my all and know that opening Self to vulnerability and loss,
Takes more courage than hiding behind any protective façade.
Oh, yeah, and grant me wisdom too. That's never a bad thing.
